


All of my Love

by Cas_Wings



Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-12
Updated: 2013-08-15
Packaged: 2017-12-23 05:57:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,865
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/922797
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cas_Wings/pseuds/Cas_Wings
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Dean finds Castiel and brings him back to the bunker, the fallen angel can't seem to free himself from the guilt, sadness, and loss that has plagued him since the fall. Dean decides to fix that, starting with a little music. ((Written as a request for Tumblr user williamlecters.))</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Longing

It had been two days since the fall. Dean hadn't gotten much sleep in the past 48 hours, mostly just little naps between caring for Sam, ensuring Kevin was okay, and occasionally feeding Crowley. But now that Sam was mobile, able to care for his basic necessities, Dean could focus on the worry he had pushed to the back of his mind: Cas.

He didn't know what had happened that night, most was a blur of Sam, getting Sam to safety, but he did remember one thing vividly; he remembered frantically calling out Castiel's name, watching angels light up the night sky. The pain in his chest, with Sam gasping for his life, with the trials failing, was only intensified by the thought of Cas being gone, gone forever... He couldn't handle it, so he focused all of his energy on Sam and Crowley, on their care and capture, until now.

Now, he found himself sitting in the Impala, leather at his back, highway flying under him, the only thought he had left being Cas. Dean didn't know where he was, or if he was even alive, but now, he wouldn't entertain that thought, he would simply drive until he found him, checking all the places Cas might go... He couldn't be dead. If there was any chance at all that Cas may be somewhere, Dean would be there. When his own thoughts began to betray him by imagining each scenario Castiel could have died in, Dean reached for the stereo and turned on whatever was on, only half listening. With the soft purr of the engine, the light vibration from the bass of the Led Zeppelin, "In My Time of Dying", Dean's thoughts instead turned to memories of Cas, of everything they had been through over the years.

"In my time of dying, want nobody to mourn  
All I want for you to do is take my body home" The song started, Dean remembering when he first saw Castiel appear to die, after the purgatory souls, when he laid on the concrete floor, battered and bruised. It was the first time Dean felt something out of the ordinary for the angel, something deep... Now, he could pinpoint the emotion as longing.

"If my wings should fail me, Lord. Please meet me with another pair" Dean remembered the night sky, illuminated with the burning of angels, the burning of their wings, smashing into earth like meteorites. Dean remembered his own voice, his own choked off calls of Castiel's name, never wanting anything more than for him to be safe. He remembered the longing.

"Oh, Saint Peter, at the gates of heaven... Won't you let me in  
I never did no harm, I never did no wrong" Dean remembered when Castiel was cut off from heaven, hunted by his own family, simply by trying to do what was right for him and Sam. Dean remembered the rage, the anger, the betrayal in his angel's eyes as he beat him in that alley, but he also remembered the flicker of pity, of friendship in his eyes when Cas watched him lay on the ground, beaten, begging for death. And when Cas simply uncurled his fist and left, Dean had the same feeling, the same pained longing.

"I've only been this young once. I never thought I'd do anybody no wrong  
No, not once" Dean remembered the way Castiel had only tried to do what was right when he worked with Crowley, was only trying to free his family from the over rule of his brothers, of Raphael. Dean remembered the betrayal he felt, the anger at Castiel's lies, but when they trapped Cas in the holy fire, Dean remembered the sadness. He remembered the tugging in his chest when he met Castiel's regretful eyes, he remembered turning on his heel to leave him, he remembered feeling cold and empty... He remembered the longing.

"I see the smiling faces  
I know I must have left some traces" Dean remembered Castiel's smile, however rare it was, he remembered the brightness in it, the depth of his happiness, even through everything he had to deal with, Dean found Castiel could still genuinely smile.

But now, in the impala, rain just beginning to fall on his windshield, Dean caught himself wondering if he would ever see that smile again, and there it was again... The longing, the need, just as urgent as it was in the crypt. He just hoped that this time, the longing would be quelled, that it wouldn't have to remain if Castiel was gone.

Night passed, and soon Dean found himself at the old run down church they had occupied during the fall. He killed the engine, some small hope burning inside him that his friend would be inside, waiting, safe and healthy. Shaking off the thought, as to not be disappointed, Dean ran a hand over his tired face and entered the church, finding it empty.

"Damn it, Cas..." Dean muttered, voice thick.

He hadn't really expected him to be here, for the chances that he was in the US, the chances that he was even alive were slim, but that hadn't stopped Dean from hoping. Sitting heavily on the chair that remained in the middle of the rotting building, the older hunter set his jaw, fending off the tears that were long overdue. Cas had just... Left. Said he was going to fix things, fix heaven, right his wrongs, and then the angels fell. What was he supposed to think, with Castiel running off with Metatron without warning... Cas could have been part of it, and Dean could just be fooled once more into giving his angel the benefit of the doubt. Tears slipped down the Winchester's worn face at the thought, his lips tight and quivering with the effort not to break down and sob.

"Cas, you son of a bitch. Where the hell are you..." He choked out, staring into the emptiness before him.

Castiel had been walking on and off for two days, not sure of where he was, where he was going, or what he was supposed to do. In the distance, illuminated by the early morning sunlight, the fallen angel spotted the run down church from two days previous, relief instantly washing over him. His feet were unnaturally tired, his stomach tight and pained, his body weary, but somehow the welcoming sight of the church pushed him on. It didn't take long for the Impala to come into view, and Castiel breathed out a weary sigh, gratefulness winding it's way into his chest as he made his way up the creaky steps, leaning against the doorway. His sight was met with Dean, head in hands, shoulders shaking, gentle sobs wracking his usually strong form.

"Dean..." Castiel croaked out, throat dry from lack of water, black spots dancing in his vision.

Dean started in his chair at the sound of his name and whipped around, hand already on his gun. Faltering at the form his gaze was filled by, he instantly rushed forward to catch a falling Castiel, pulling him up to his feet and into a quick embrace, arms wrapping tight around Cas' seemingly smaller form.

"What the hell happened to you?" Dean asked, standing the fallen angel up in front of him, watching him pale with the effort.

Castiel's new emotions instantly betrayed him, his eyes stinging with tears as he looked away from Dean's harsh tone, shaking his head wordlessly.

At Castiel's response, his obvious lack of power, control, or involvement in his current predicament, Dean nodded. Slowly, he silently lead the fallen angel to the Impala, setting him gently into the passenger seat before rounding the car to slide in next to him.

"Drink this and try to get some rest." Dean ordered, gruffer than intended as he handed Castiel a bottle of water, watching for a moment as he quickly drank it down.

"Thank you." Castiel said, turning to rest against the cold glass of the window. God, he looked more miserable and hurt than Dean had ever witnessed.

The silence in the car was heavy and uncomfortable during the long drive back, so Dean turned on the stereo quietly, finding Led Zeppelin playing again; not that he minded. In the next couple of minutes, Dean found Castiel to be shifting uncomfortably beside him, lifting and resting his head multiple times in an effort to find comfort against the hard glass.

"Cas, it'll be more comfortable if you stretch out more." Dean commented quietly to his scrunched up form against the door.

Castiel looked up, eyes flicking down to the expanse of seat that was available to him before nodding silently, turning to lay on his side and rest his head on Dean's thigh, innocent in the action.

Dean hadn't been paying attention after his small piece of advice, but at a sudden weight on his leg, he looked down to see Castiel looking comfortable resting against him, eyes shutting against the small tears that slipped through. The older hunter opened his mouth to correct Cas, but at the sight of his crying, his stress, his anguish, Dean silently turned back to the road, driving gently as the soft lyrics of "All of my Love" hummed through the car, lulling a tired Castiel to a tortured sleep.

"All of my love, all of my love,  
All of my love to you"

At the lyrics, Dean chanced a look down at Castiel, finding him half asleep, tears drying on his worn face. There it was again, the longing... But this time, Dean found it to be mixed with something else, something stronger, something he couldn't quite place.


	2. Love

The drive back took up most of the day, Dean sealing his gaze on the seemingly endless stretch of highway before them. Castiel barely woke the whole time, only lifting his head long enough to sip at the water he was provided with before he went back to resting.

"Cas..." Dean said quietly, shaking his friend's shoulder when they pulled up to the bunker.

Castiel shifted, waking to realize he was nearly in Dean's lap. "I'm sorry." He muttered, remembering the personal space rule, also figuring Dean wouldn't want to be around him, not anymore.

Dean cleared his throat and shook his head, dismissing the behavior. "You just needed some rest. Come on, you need to eat."

Castiel nodded, just wanting to sleep more, but realized he now needed food to survive, realized resisting Dean's care would be foolish. Slowly, he got out of the Impala, groaning at the small exertion of his fatigued muscle, pushing himself to follow Dean into the bunker.  
Dean found Kevin and Sam both asleep in the evening hours, Crowley still locked up in the back room, secure and chained. Satisfied, he headed back to the dining room to find Cas sitting at the kitchen table, shoulders slumped, eyes vacant, almost as if he wasn't himself anymore... As if he was merely a former shell of the kind and trusting person he was.

"Do you need more water?"

Castiel looked up at the question, avoiding eye contact with Dean. "I think I'm fine."

Dean nodded, ducking into the kitchen to find some food. He stood for a moment, not sure what Cas would like, or what his stomach could handle after nearly three days of emptiness. After a few minutes, he decided on some canned tomato soup, figuring it wouldn't be too heavy. Grabbing the can from the shelf, he spotted some rice and grabbed it, too, without a second thought as to why, and dumped the two ingredients into a pot. Stirring the mixture, he added a pinch of salt and oregano, turning the stove to a medium heat before going to sit in the dining room with Cas.

After a long, somewhat uncomfortable and painful silence from his friend, Dean cleared his throat. "So, Cas... Where are you at right now?"

Castiel looked up, slightly confused at Dean's question. "I'm in your home."

Dean shook his head, wanting to smile, but knowing the current situation deemed it inappropriate. "No, Cas, I mean what's your situation right now? What happened?"

At the question, Castiel's eyes flickered down to his folded hands on his lap, pain rising in his chest, the emotion now more noticeable and real since the fall. "I didn't fall like my family, my wings didn't burn... Metatron tricked me into trusting him, and took my grace, as a final ingredient to his spell."

Dean's eyebrows furrowed together, his stomach sinking. "So Metatron's behind this all, with some sort of wacko angel banishing spell?"

Castiel just nodded, the frown on his face becoming more prevalent as he became more miserable with guilt. "I could have stopped this..." He said after a long while, voice quiet. "I shouldn't have trusted him, someone we haven't seen for centuries."

Dean hesitated with anger, wanting to yell at the fallen angel, wanting to scream at him how he was right, he should have known, he just screwed up again and betrayed his trust, he messed up everything. But then, Dean thought back to all the times he had trusted Sam, trusted John, and was let down, tricked, lied to... Somehow, he began to understand where Cas was coming from, although he didn't want to.

"Cas, you shouldn't blame yourself for trusting family..." He swallowed the anger rising in his throat, finding a way around his prideful indignation. "You were only trying to do what was right, you were only trying to fix your home."

Castiel blocked out Dean's words, not believing them, because it seemed like everything he did turned out to be wrong. "Well, I didn't fix it, Dean, I broke it... I break everything I touch."

Dean let out a long, weary sigh, not wanting to let himself agree, because now, for some reason, he began to see things from Castiel's perspective. Slowly, he began to realize that all Castiel had ever done was have good intentions that just happened to yield bad results. "Cas, you were only trying to do the right thing... Look." He let his gaze fall on Castiel's bowed head, let himself feel the guilt rolling off his friend in waves. "Every time I followed my dad's orders, I thought I was doing the right thing, I had good intentions, the intention to be a good son. And look where that got me..." He cleared his throat, the beginnings of discomfort edging it's way into his consciousness at the open conversation. "Just try and realize that you only tried to do what's right, because it's not about the outcome of the situation, it's about why you got into that situation."

With nothing left to say, Dean rose from his chair and entered the kitchen, silently mocking himself for the 'words of wisdom' about good intentions. But, deep down, Dean believed them, he had to if he wanted to keep his sanity.

Castiel sat quietly, pondering over Dean's words. They were true, and logical, but he still couldn't shake the feeling of guilt, the feeling of fault.

Dean grabbed a ladle to dish out the familiar soup, just then consciously realizing what he had made. The scent of the warm soup brought back memories of his mother as he carried it to Cas, brought back memories of her rubbing his back and singing when he was sick, telling him angels were watching over him. Setting the hot soup and a spoon in front of Castiel, Dean sat in his previous spot, the memories gone. "It's hot." He said quietly, fidgeting with a nearby napkin.

Castiel nodded silently, gently cooling the soup with a light column of air from his lungs, spooning the homey dish into his mouth after a while. "Thank you, Dean, this is good." He said quietly, feeling undeserving of everything now available to him.

"Yeah, no problem, Cas." Dean said softly, watching him eat the soup methodically, almost as if he had a pattern to his eating. In the wait for his friend to finish the light meal, Dean's thoughts again turned to his mother, to her promise of guardian angels. He only wished that her promise remained true. Hearing the clink and scrape of a spoon against the bowl, Dean snapped out of his thoughts to stand from his chair and collect Castiel's dishes, walking to the kitchen to place them in the sink. "Do you need more sleep?" He asked from the doorway, entering back into the dining room.

Castiel still didn't meet his eyes, and nodded. "That would be best."

Dean motioned for Castiel to follow, looking over his current physical state. "You should get a shower first."

Castiel murmured in agreement. "I'm dirty." He stated as he had before, letting himself be lead to the bathroom.

"Towels are on the rack, I'll bring you some fresh clothes." Dean said softly, noticing how miserable Cas remained.

It didn't take long, the shower, but the water was soft and warm on his skin, soothing almost, and made him forget for but a moment his current problems... It was nice. During his shower, Castiel heard the door open and shut once, finding fresh clothing for him when he got out. Drying himself with the soft towel, he slowly dressed into the flannel pajama pants and loose t-shirt, feeling better even with the simple actions.

"Dean?" He called softly into the hallway, the hunter instantly coming from one of the rooms.

"You can use my bed for now until we can get you some sheets." Dean said, leading Castiel to his room, the covers of his bed already pulled back.

Castiel started to protest, but Dean held up a hand to stop him. "I'll sleep on the couch if I need to. Come on, I don't want you getting sick."

Castiel nodded, knowing resistance would be a wasted effort, and slowly crawled into the bed. Pulling the warm covers around him, he felt vulnerable and weak as his eyes almost instantly closed, bidding him much needed sleep.

Dean watched from the doorway for a moment, watched as Castiel's eyes fluttered shut, his brow relaxing, sleep providing him freedom from the weight on his mind. At the sight, Dean felt the now all too familiar tugging in his chest, the longing. Longing to see Cas know this wasn't his fault, longing to see Cas happy. That was all Dean truly wanted, he realized, was to see the fallen angel happy. After all he had been through, he deserved a little bit of joy in his life.

"Alright, Cas, enough." Dean said, a bit rough in the twilight of the cool fall night.

Castiel's head snapped up from the bit of grass he was fiddling with, eyes curious and slightly guarded against the tone. "What do you mean?"

Dean encompassed the space around them with a gesture of his hand. "This. Sitting outside moping all day, you're never going to solve your problems that way."

"That's what you do." Castiel retaliated bluntly, face blank, no defense or mocking in his posture. He wasn't being rude or defensive, he was just stating what he had observed.

Dean sighed. "No, Cas, I bottle my feelings up, push em down, and let me tell you, it's not good for you."

Castiel's brow furrowed ever so slightly, barely noticeable. "Then why do you do it?"

Dean began to answer, but shook his head. "We're not talking about me right now, Cas, we're talking about you. Look, I may bottle up my feelings, but I still move on from the problem, because what's done is done. Stewing in your own misery because of something you created is a stupid decision, even I don't do that."

Castiel shrugged, eyes lowering slightly with sadness. "I deserve this, I need to pay my dues. I deserve to suffer like my family has, I don't deserve all of this comfort and help."

Dean shook his head, holding out his hand to help Castiel up. "Don't do that again, Cas, don't punish yourself again." He hesitated for a moment, not wanting this conversation to get too deep. "Don't make this like Purgatory."

Castiel's eyes went regretful at Dean's look at the mention of Purgatory, and he took his hand, heaving himself up. "Okay, Dean."

Dean smiled slightly, heading towards the bunker. "Come on, we're going to have some fun."

Once they were both in the living room, Castiel watched as the hunter moved to a portable cassette played, popping in a tape he saw titled "Led Zeppelin: Greatest Hits".

"What are you doing?" Castiel asked, standing stock still in the middle of the room.

"We," Dean corrected, turning towards the former angel as "Good Times Bad Times" began playing, "are going to let loose."

Castiel listened to the fast progression of the instruments hum loudly from the speakers, his gaze turning curious. "How?"

Dean smirked, beginning to move his body ever so slightly to the beat of the music. "I'm gonna teach you how to dance."

Castiel looked apprehensive. "I don't know Dean..."

Dean smiled, stopping his little show to smack Castiel lightly on the shoulder. "You never know till you try." After so much stress, Dean felt relieved to let loose, to feel the music seep into him, move his body with the smooth bass line in the background of Robert Plant's voice.

Castiel remained standing still, watching Dean move. "I'm not sure how."

Dean nodded, stepping back just a bit. "Here, watch." He gently began swaying his hips along with his upper body, swinging his body to the song. "Just move with the music, it'll come naturally."

Castiel hesitated for a moment, before mimicking Dean's movements, starting by rotating his hips, feet moving in small steps.

Dean watched closely as Castiel gently began to sway to the music, smiling broadly at the sight. "Good, Cas." He slowed his dancing slightly to instruct his friend. "Now just loosen it up a little, don't be so controlled."

Castiel nodded, taking a deep breath to relax himself, to take the focus off his body and instead turned it to the music, really listening for the first time. Slowly but surely, he began to get the hang of things, rotating his hips and pelvis with his body, gently and fluidly with the music, not noticing Dean's gaping stare, he was too into this new activity.

Dean had been focusing on his dancing, letting Castiel get the hang of things without an audience for a few minutes before he looked back up, the sight he was met with shocking the breath from his lungs. Before his eyes was Castiel, a soft mix of a smirk and a smile on his lips, hair messy and everywhere as his body moved to the progression of Zeppelin in the background, hips circling, torso carrying on the movement of his hips with graceful rhythm. Damn... Cas was amazing at this, and Dean didn't realize how long he had been staring, mouth slightly ajar at the nearly erotic sight, until the music stopped, the tape pausing for a few seconds to switch to the next track.

Castiel slowed his moves as the song faded out, looking over to see Dean, cheeks slightly pink, mouth parted just a bit, eyes trained on him. Oblivious to how long he had been staring, Castiel smiled slightly, a fun loving expression. "That was fun, Dean..." His gaze softened. "Thank you."

Dean snapped out of his 'Castiel dancing' induced trance at the fallen angel's words, registering them in time to break his gaze away before things got uncomfortable. "Yeah, no problem, Cas. It's good to see you have a little fun."

Castiel nodded, looking to the player as another song came on. "Can we do it again?"

Dean nodded, turning towards the tape player, which now was playing "Stairway to Heaven". "Yeah, lemme skip this one, it's no good for dancing."

Cas listened for a moment to the music. "Why?"

Dean shrugged, pausing above the skip button. "It's just the kind of dancing we were doing doesn't go with this song, it's a different type."

Castiel thought for a moment. "I think I'd like to try the other kind, Dean, it will probably be just as fun."

Dean spluttered slightly, neck reddening, but he figured if it was what would help Castiel be happy, he would comply. And never speak a word of it to Sam.

"Alright Cas, come on." He motioned Castiel to the middle of the room, reaching out to place his hands at Castiel's waist, slightly higher than he would on a woman, Cas was only a friend.

Castiel instantly complied, finding the soft music pleasant, the gentle placement of Dean's hands comforting.

"Alright, good. Just put your arms to rest on my shoulders." Dean instructed, picking up the soft scent of clean soap and grass from the other.

Castiel smiled and complied, nearly wrapping his arms around Dean's neck, finding it comfortable.

Dean wanted to correct Cas at his closeness, but decided to just make this a dance lesson, in case he ever needed to dance with a girl in the future. "Alright, now when I move my foot back, move your same foot to follow mine, same with the sides."

Castiel nodded, watching their feet with intense concentration as he moved to mirror Dean, getting the hang of it rather quickly until they were moving slowly and gracefully around the room, the song remaining soft, a single guitar accompanying the gentle singing.

Dean was pleased with how quickly Castiel picked up the simple waltz, soon able to look up and smile at him. They were getting closer with each step, unnoticed to Dean as he was swept up in the sapphire gaze, heart pounding at the closeness, at the look of adoration that filled Castiel's gaze.

"I like this kind of dancing, Dean." Castiel said softly, closing the gap between them to wrap his arms further around Dean's neck, leaning his head against the hunter's chest. It was like a prolonged hug, and Castiel found solace in the closeness, found solace in the reassuring beat of Dean's heart, in the soft warmth of Dean's chest against his cheek.

"Me too, Cas." Dean said, barely able to find his voice as Castiel closed the gap between them, head resting against his hammering heart. Gently and slowly, Dean tightened his hold around Castiel's waist, ducking his chin to rest softly against the side of Castiel's head, still moving gently to the guitar that floated through the air.

At the shift in their closeness, in the whole feeling in the room, Dean noticed once more the longing in his chest, confused by it. Castiel was happy, and that should have solved the problem... But somehow, deep down, Dean knew, and instantly his vision cleared, truly seeing Cas for the first time as his gaze fell upon his soft blue eyes, softly closed against his chest. Slowly, Dean moved back, cupping Castiel's chin in his palm. "Cas?" Dean whispered softly in wonder, barely recognizing the look in his freshly opened sapphire eyes, a look of softness and understanding.

Castiel felt Dean move back, and was disappointed for half a second before he felt Dean's warm fingers cup at his chin, bringing his face up to meet his emerald gaze. At the wondering look, the almost question of his name, Castiel opened his mouth to respond, being silenced by his chin being tilted up gently, Dean's lips sealing over his. Castiel was stiff and surprised at first, but then melted into the soft warmth of everything that was Dean, humming in soft pleasure at the loving gesture.

As soon as Castiel's name left his mouth, Dean's whole thought process stopped in wonder of his soft blue gaze, and all he could think to do was lean forward and capture Cas' lips in a deep kiss. As soon as he felt Castiel respond, he gently ran his thumb along his chin, the kiss seeming to last minutes, but in reality only lasted a few seconds. Pulling away, lips now tasting of Castiel, honey sweet and fresh, Dean breathed out a soft sigh, leaning his forehead against Castiel's, the music barely noticeable with his heart pounding in his ears.

"Dean..." Castiel said softly at a sudden memory that entered his mind, fingers playing idly with the small, soft hairs on the back of his neck. "I need you too."

At the words, Dean let out a small breath, almost choked in happiness and relief at the words he hadn't even expected ever to be reciprocated, the words he now knew he had spoken out of unrecognized love in the crypt. At a loss for words at the memories and comfort Castiel brought with the words, Dean pulled him in for a soft, close hug, lips pressing gently against the soft, dark hairs on his temple. And just like that, with the simple admittance of the need for each other, Dean felt the longing in his chest quelled, replaced now by the underlying feeling he couldn't place, the feeling that had turned out to be love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you'd like to check out my tumblr, I'm at cas-wings.tumblr.com :)


End file.
